Balance

Appeasing all my daily responsibilities with a smile.

I adore my job.

I realize those words probably fills many with pure rage. I get it, some days I feel guilty because I truly do enjoy working where I do. It’s like a second home, where I’m both appreciated and paid. What’s more, everyone works together towards a common goal.

There’s still downsides, like physical labor requirements, opinion differences, and available hours that vary from overtime one week to no hours at all the next. Some months I’m lucky to work at all. It’s not a “real” job in a sense. It requires seasonal flexibility.

It just so happens living in the country and living in the country prepare you for seasonal flexibility. Demands from home overwhelm me if I work more than a few weeks at full time hours. There's only so many hours in the day, and my to-do list constantly running.

Some of these responsibilities I’ve assumed, and others I find myself unable to step away from. There seems to be an abundance of tasks only I’m capable of doing, despite there being others in the household. I cannot work full time year round (and again, working is one of those “only me” things), or else everything would completely fall apart.

Because of the demands of both work and home, I don’t have many moments others call “free time” or “me time” that doesn’t involve someone else. I snag little slivers of time, such as carving out time before bed when there’s a relatively low chance of someone striking up an unwanted conversation to derail my thoughts. I take “nobody’s in the house” days seriously and blast music. My music.

I tell myself I just need to balance it all. Others manage full-time jobs and accomplish all kinds of great things. They have kids, community obligations, mortgages, and all kinds of random mundane tasks I don’t have on my plate right now. How is it done in such a seemingly effortless way? What’s their secret to success?

I realize I have balance. Home-work balance is perfect, because I don’t have that “real” job. It’s the juggling I’m struggling with. Specifically, the juggling of home responsibilities.

What I’m missing at home, work provides - The family unit. A partner on the same page. Self confidence. Having these missing elements at home is what makes it so appealing to run away to (plus the money aspect, obviously). I like the people (mostly), my coworkers. And dare I say I like myself better at work.

The juggling of home - specifically balancing myself with my home - is where I struggle and what needs addressed. Setting boundaries and getting anyone to care about them. Getting others within the household to cooperate and work together. Etching out time for just myself.

I try to balance. It’s just the juggling that seems difficult at times.

A beautiful sunflower that fell over and is mostly face down still blooming.